Dowg the drifter Blog

My new buddy.

dowg the drifter — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 01:25:00 +0000

Yellow Rose.

dowg the drifter — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 03:23:41 +0000

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything. Every thing is about the same, just working my ass off and trying to have a little fun on the weekends too. Still single, went on a date a few months back but were just friends. I’m starting to learn to dance again and love it, wish I had more chances to do it but it’s not easy when your all by yourself. I love music so much, it’s a way to express yourself and relaxing too. I want to get more into singing but not sure if I should, I love singing at church but have kind of fallen off the wagon at church the last 4 weeks. I am not the kind of person to hold things in for very long, I like expressing how I feel and if that gets me into trouble, well, so be it. I kind of miss not blogging about what’s going on in my life, I know most people don’t read this far, so if I still have you; THANKS! I have a good group of friends, most of the only on facebook because I can be a loner at times. If you take the time to get to know me, you’ll see I can be a very good friends and even make you laugh (and cry) at times.

I miss living in the country, I loved working on the farm and just being outside. I love to find someone who loves the same things, just being together and enjoying what life brings. I had it once when I was real young and then she left me and life hasn’t been the same. I’m not going to give up on finding my Yellow Rose, I know your out there. This cowboy is waiting, but unlike Johnny in this video, I’m not a drifter any more. I’ve seen my Yellow Rose but I don’t know if she knows how I feel or even if she cares but still, I’m going to give it a try and see where this ride takes me.

Filed under: God

You are loved!

dowg the drifter — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 03:43:39 +0000

This past week we had a young lady take her own life by jumping off a bridge in Iowa City onto Interstate 80 on Tuesday morning, where she was hit by a semitrailer and killed. I know what it’s like to feel so overwhelmed that you just can’t see any hope for living. Yes, I have been to that point in my life where I wanted to end it all. I felt so alone, no hope for tomorrow but that was before I found the love of Jesus Christ and my local church. I didn’t know this young beautiful lady at all but her death touched me in a way that I can’t express! That night, I just keep saying, “she didn’t have to do this” and how sad I was for her family, friends, the driver of the semi and the first responder and Law enforcement officers.

As I was on my way to church this morning, I felt God calling me to step up and talk to our congregation about what I was feeling. When we are feeling depressed, sad or what ever, we can’t go it alone and covering it up doesn’t help. I you think the person you care for knows how much you care for them, don’t just think they know! Tell them, show them ever day how much you love them no matter how bad they feel. If your dealing with depression and can talk about it, DO IT! Let’s not hide it any more, show others who are facing the same thing that they too are not alone and can come to you if they want too. Life is so wonderful, and Jesus died on the cross to give us new life and no matter what you have done or what your going through, his family of believers love you and you can trust them.

I know this is my calling to help others dealing with depression and showing them the love that Jesus Christ offers us. I am so thankful that the good Lord gave me new life and new hope so I can try to touch life’s that are hurting. Just hearing people thanks me for sharing my thoughts and experiences is nice, I hope they can take from it that it’s OK to let people see who they really are, and that’s a child of God who loves us so much that He sent his only son to die for us.

Your not alone and if you think that ending your life is all you have left, please don’t! Let me know, I will do every thing I can for you. You are loved more than you know and better days are ahead.

God bless.

Filed under: God's love Tagged: Christ, Church, Courage, faith, Family, Finding love, Forgiveness, God, grace, Gratitude, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Life, Love, New beginning, Relationship, Starting over, Wrong Decisions

Alone

dowg the drifter — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 04:47:19 +0000

Just feeling kind of down and missing my dog! I hate being alone but it’s all I know any more. My heart hurts, I want to be able to love again and think I’m not good enough. I try so hard to keep my head up but sometimes I wonder if anyone even cares. I know I have a great group of friends but it’s not the same as having someone you love with all of your heart. I don’t know if she will ever find me, maybe I should just forget about being loved. Oh, I know I can’t stop looking for love, but wish it wasn’t so hard. Think I’ll just spend some time with God and pray that he can help me.

Filed under: God

RIP Toby! You will be missed.

dowg the drifter — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 01:44:55 +0000

About 2 weeks ago, I had to do what I didn’t want to do! I had to put Toby to sleep, it was the hardest thing I have ever done but I know Toby isn’t in any pain now. He couldn’t use his back feet at all and was in so much pain. I can’t express how much Toby meant to me, his love and companionship made life bearable. I am doing ok, well it’s not easy but I know Toby wants me to be happy and life without him now is very different. I hate being alone and my cat, Pretty Kitty is loving me up but I know she misses him too.

I want to fall in love again!!! I just hate trying to date and all the games that go alone with that. I know I am worth it even with all the “baggage” I bring. I am praying that God will bring a loving woman into my life who can see the real me and let me take down the walls I have up. Life is not meant to be lived alone and now that Toby is gone, I feel more alone that I ever have and I don’t like it. I sometimes keep things to myself and I have gone too long without expressing how I am feeling. I have nothing to hide and what ever I say is how I am feeling at the time and I don’t care who knows it or what they may think about me. I’m going to say it and just let God have the control as to who will come into my life and love me for who I am.

I have a kind heart and it hurt me very much to put Toby to sleep but I know I have so much love to offer someone. If she takes the time to get to know me, she will see it, I just know better days are ahead. I owe to Toby to give it my best and to keep fighting for what I want.

Filed under: dating, dogs, faith, Heart, Life, Love, Shih Tzu

I love my dog!

dowg the drifter — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 04:20:08 +0000

My dog Toby is still hurting from a bad hip. He is dealing with it so good but I know he is in pain and there is nothing I can do! It kills me to see him try so hard to fight the pain, I wish I could do more but all I can do is love him. I can’t afford to have the surgery to make him better and I don’t know if will would even help him. I pray that this is just another stage he’s going through and in a week or so he will adjust and be better. What I am afraid of is coming home to find him dead someday. I love Toby very much and he’s my best bud and he is so sweet and love being near me all the time. I have never had a dog like him and I don’t know why I am so attached to him? I am now single again and he does keep me company and we love to have fun together but now he’s not moving like he once did. He is doing a “bunny hop” when he goes out but it seams like he does not care but every now and then he will cry out when the pain is too much! I pet him and love him up and try to comfort him and he is resting most of the time so I don’t know how bad it really is.

Please pray for Toby, he’s a great dog and loves people and life and if he does go someday, I will miss he so very much! I don’t what him to see me be upset and I am trying to be strong and not think about what could happen someday. I only what him to be happy and not in any pain, I would do any thing for him and I hate myself because I can’t make him better and he’s been so good to me.

Filed under: dogs Tagged: animals, Dog, Dog lovers, Pets, Shih Tzu

Alone

dowg the drifter — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 02:36:03 +0000

I have been doing real good being alone. Working 50 plus hours helps to take my mind off Julie. This is the first week I have off in over 5 weeks and I sleeped all day! Went out for dinner and then back home. I have been getting things set up the way I like them, making it a home, LOL. Yesterday I asked Julie to add me as a friend on facebook again and she did but then last night she removed me. I was very hurt, I know the laptop computer I gave her is not working and I post a note that I had another power supply that should work and that she had her Dell desk top hear too. Don’t know if she’s mad that I posted that to her wall? I care very much for Julie and I hurt much more than what shows! I would have never just walked out on her like she did to me.

I don’t like giving up and I need to let go of the pain Julie has caused me but giving up without talking about her problems. She was mad that I didn’t talk about mine and it was wrong for me to put up walls. I am willing to talk, some times I talk too much and end up saying things that I don’t think over real good. I miss Julie, wish I could talk right now. I am real depressed, having some bad thoughts. I can’t kill myself but wish I could. I feel like you all would never care any way. All I herd from Julie was how bad I was for her and how unhappy I made her life.

It’s for the best that I am alone, I’m not lovable, I end up !@#$ things up any way. I DON’T CARE ANY MORE! I want to run and hide, I can’t do this any more. I have been trying so hard for so long and you just don’t see it!!!! I did all I could for Julie, I visited her as much as I could when she was in the Abby, been with her in the hospital, cried at night when I couldn’t be with her. I need someone who will love me back just a little, someone who cares about my feeling too. I have a right to be who I am, even if it’s not the best I can be at the time.

Filed under: dating, facebook, faith, Heart, Life, Love, Uncategorized Tagged: Compassion, Contentment, Courage, dating, faith, Family, Finding love, Forgiveness, God, grace, Gratitude, Home, Life, Mans best friend, Relationship, Spiritual, Starting over, Wrong Decisions

Starting over

dowg the drifter — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 03:36:54 +0000

Well it’s been a week since I last saw Julie and she’s now moved to Waterloo. I have been doing good, got a lot of work to get my apartment looking good. Thanks God I saved most of my things, like dishes, pans, microwave etc. Julie wanted me to get ride of them, she called it “all my junk” but now I need it. Got to clean it but it will come in handy. It’s kind of quiet around here, Toby my dog is night next to me, it’s his unconditional love that keeps me going. I have a empty spot in my heart now, I loved Julie more than she knew but I also am finding out that I am so much more that what she wanted.

I think she was holding me back and even though I miss being with her, I love my freedom. Now I can worship the Lord any and all times. I went to worship service list night and it was fun and went to another tonight and it ROCKED! I am looking forward to doing more things like this and getting stronger and stronger with the word of God. I not doing this for me as some of you may think, God will bless me with just what I need. I give all the praise to him and all the control too. If I was to die tomorrow, I would die a happy man and know I’d be in his kingdom.

Filed under: Life Tagged: Christ, Church, Contentment, Courage, faith, Finding love, Forgiveness, God, grace, Gratitude, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Life, Love, New beginning, Praying, Saved, Spiritual, Starting over

Life

dowg the drifter — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 02:02:05 +0000

Oh what to say, seem like just about every thing I say is taken wrong and then if I don’t say any thing at all, it’s taken the wrong way too. I am who I am and I know that there are a lot of wonderful people supporting me. Yes, I’ve made some mistakes and said some things I should have never said. I am so much more that what eyes see and it takes someone very special to “read” me. I am so thankful for the members of my church, there love for me is so great! I have a hard time trusting people but once I do, I really open up.

If you want to know the real me, look into my eyes. I love talking about life but don’t ask me to be someone who I am not. I have so much love inside of me, but I also have pain and I have a hard time letting others see it. I’ve played the games that people like to play too much now, is it so hard just to ask me; what are you thinking? or How was your day? I wish I could have done better, I wasn’t the best lover nor will I ever be. All I know is that I learn from making mistakes and if others can’t forgive me and help me grow from them, then they have some learning that they need to do too.

I am so thankful for a great job that I love, yeah I wish I didn’t have to work 50+ hours each week. Some days I don’t know how I get up at 4 AM! There are days that I would love to just work 8 hours, I love being home and having someone to talk to. Most people don’t know that I do all this while dealing with crohn’s disease. After working 10-12 hours I am so tired, I have to let my body rest but yet I still want to have fun. Getting old is not fun and working in a business that is very physically demanding is very hard on my body.

All I can say is love me as I am and if you can’t then it’s OK. All that matter is that God knows who I am and his love is all I need. If you don’t know me take the time and just maybe you will unlock something others couldn’t. Sure, it’s work, but any thing worth doing is worth the work it takes to get it done.

Thanks and God bless.

Filed under: Life Tagged: Church, Compassion, Contentment, Courage, faith, Forgiveness, God, grace, Gratitude, Life, Love, Relationship, Starting over

Leases and Marriage

dowg the drifter — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 04:55:11 +0000

Well I glad I found out before I got married to Julie that she can’t keep her promise. In May Julie and I signed a lease for our apartment here in Cedar Rapids and she was real happy to get out of the Abby center and move in together. I lived in Amana with my Dog (Toby) and 3 cats. Since most apartments will only let you have 2 pets, I had to find a new home for 2 of my cats. Giving them up was very hard on me but I knew Julie needed to get out of the Abby so I gave them up. The first month at the new apartment was good but I could see the some thing was wrong. I was doing most of the work, cleaning, cooking, trash and Julie was in and out of different hospitals. I was trying my best to help her out but it seams like nothing I did would make her happy.

I loved her very much and would do any thing she asked. I know she has had a troubled past and I only want the best for her. She is very smart and I know she can do any thing she would put her mind too. She just didn’t care, and my needs didn’t matter. I know it’s hard to care for someone you love when you can’t care for yourself but I tried so hard to be there for her. She will never know all the times I cried and worried about her. I am so sorry to see her move on without me but when a person doesn’t want help there is nothing you can do but love them and just let them be. I pray that someday, Julie will look back and see that I meant well.

Too all her friends, I love her very much and never wanted to cause Julie any pain. We both have been hurt and said things they were wrong or were misunderstood. I am hurting too and pray that God will guide us. I wanted to be a supportive strong person for Julie and did all I could, I wounder if I could have done more? I have nothing to hide and yes some times I put up walls but I know in the end the truth comes out any way. I know God knows my heart and all the bad things I do, so I don’t mind talking to you about them. Julie, I never meant to say or write any thing to hurt you. I don’t understand what happened, Yes I lost control and said so things that I shouldn’t have and for that I am sorry. I am willing to learn and welcome what other think about me.

Marriage vows are binding promises each partner in a couple makes to the other.

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part.

Very few people realise, or wish to accept, that one of the worst experiences in life to an individual is a broken promise. We all have moments when we make a promise to someone and cannot keep it, for a variety of reasons. That is understandable. However, when there is a definite pattern in breaking promises it suggests three things:

1. That the person to whom the promise is made is not really a priority in the scheme of things; not as valued as others.

2. That the person making the promise is trying to please too many people at once, perhaps to impress, but failing miserably.

3. That the promise itself is not perceived as important enough to be kept.

If one can’t keep their promise on a 12 month lease for a apartment, how could they keep there vows for better or worse? I am sorry you don’t feel good Julie but if you want help yourself you have to let the people who love you know the are important. I am not just a thing to be used and forgotten. Julie you are a great person and I know you will be OK. I wish we could have worked on our relationship more but I am not going to beg you to come back, You have to do what is right for you and I have to move on, we both will grow from this. I am sorry for saying you are “running” but I am glad we didn’t get married. I believe in making a commitment and sticking to it no matter how bad things get.

Filed under: Love, marriage Tagged: Compassion, Contentment, Courage, dating, Engagement, faith, Family, Finding love, Life, Love, Marrage, marriage, New beginning, Relationship, Wedding, Wrong Decisions